I am shattered.

I wanted to open up about this particular issue for a long time, but I held back because I’ve ended up ranting on Facebook or things were temporarily okay… but you know what? This is my blog, and I want to share with my readers on what I’m going through and I want people to know that I’m human and I have the right to feel how I feel. Writing things on Facebook was something I shouldn’t have done, and I should’ve come to my blog. Some say write it but don’t post it, but I’m not posting for attention, I’m posting because I genuinely want to tell people that they’re not alone.

I’ve been heart broken several times, and I always get through them and I know I’ll always get through them. It’s life, you have to go through heartbreak. But this heartbreak, it just hurts so much because I was really into this dude. Like so into him that I was so blinded, so many red flags and I just pushed through. I’m not writing this to bash him, I’m writing this because it’s therapeutic.

Our relationship had a lot of unbalanced themes – such as our upbringing, environment and past relationships. We loved each other very much (well, I like to think that he wasn’t faking his love for me, if he did that’s just going to make my feelings a little worse). But let’s just believe what I want to believe, and we had a lot of things in common and I just clicked with him instantly. Not only did he become my boyfriend, but also my best friend.

Do we get along all the time? Of course not! We are like Tom & Jerry always arguing over nothing. But do you know what the issue was every time we argued? My big mouth telling my “friends”. I believe that friends should be there for you regardless of your decisions and they should understand your situation, but some of my friends weren’t like that. They didn’t like the fact that I ran back to him, they didn’t like the fact that I didn’t agree with them, and at the end of the day no matter how frustrated you may be with your friend because you think they deserve better, their temporary happiness should be what matters the most (because your emotions are temporary, you can’t be happy all the time, but you should appreciate every moment of your life). And sometimes you can’t tell people what you think or what you would do, a person will only learn once they go through it. Does that make sense?

Anyways, let’s look at the pros and cons of this relationship.

The reasons why I love him:

  • We had so much in common – both born in July, Cancers, Tuesday borns, same taste in music, TV shows and movies.
  • He supported me – supported me with my studies, supported my blog, supported my videos, encouraged my love for make-up. He was my fan and encouraged me to do it.
  • He talked a lot – he was so invested in his stories. Stories as in his interests and telling me about the movie that he watched, what he’s into, his ex-girlfriends.
  • Being open – he was very open about his past relationships. He told me exactly how long they were together, who the girls were and what extent it went to.
  • His love for reading – this was so breathtaking, I used to love reading because of my grandpa, but I stopped. And when I met him and saw that he loved to read, I got back into reading again. Every time he reads a new book or a new chapter, he’ll tell me about it.
  • He had goals – and it was nice to see that and hear his goals, but he just didn’t know how to achieve them or where to start.
  • He listened – he was a listener to all my problems.
  • He took care of me – he took care of me as in the small things, he went out to buy Chinese porridge for me when I was sick, crushed my pills for me, makes coffee every time, helped me with my assignments, helped me shave, carry me out of the bed every morning to wash my face and all these small gestures I was so satisfied with. All these small things were my secureness with him.

Reasons why it went downhill:

  • Ungrateful – There were so many times and until the very last moment where he was very ungrateful for the things I have done for him or what I went through for him. And there are times where I was ungrateful for things that he was able to give, but I wasn’t satisfied.
  • Yelling – All the anger and yelling at each other. Super UNHEALTHY. But that’s what happens when you don’t listen.
  • Family – My family wasn’t satisfied with him and that caused a lot of his insecurities and paranoia to appear. His family from what I saw didn’t give him enough love and he just didn’t know what to do with the love I gave him.
  • Lies – There were no infidelity issues, it was another issue (and please allow me to keep that private).
  • Friends – His friends influenced his behaviour and decisions. And his friends came first, even though he claimed that I was his priority.

There’s more, but I’m done.

For months I held onto this relationship and him because I love him, and I was happy with the amount of attention he was giving me. Until a month ago where I started to realise that this relationship is coming to an end and the only way it was going to work, as if he treated me right. But it’s funny because he supposedly wanted this relationship to work out, but he didn’t treat me right or respect me, it was all about him. It was “take, take, take” and no giving back, and that’s super hurtful.

There were many moments where I would break things off with him because I knew things will never change, and he just didn’t want to and didn’t allow me to let this relationship go. Ever since he went back to Burma, he would talk to me then disappear, come back, disappear, come back disappear and you might be wondering why I allowed this to happen. I allowed this to happen because he filled that missing puzzle piece within me. I told you, I was so into this dude!

However, a few nights ago he told me that we should update our relationship status again on Facebook and upload pictures of us, and that whole night he was fine. Then the next morning I get a message saying he’s done, with no explanation at all. I asked why, I messaged him and I called, but no response at all.

I don’t understand how a person that claims to love you for many months and years, could just leave without a word. The least they could do is give an explanation and leave. If he fell out of love and wanted to be free, tell me. I rather am broken over the truth, then hurt wondering the unknown.

And hey, if you’re reading this just know that I am extremely disappointed with the turn out for this. You owe me at least an explanation. You probably fell out of “love” with me ages ago, but continued on because you knew that I was there for your financial needs. What did I do to deserve this? What did I ever do to you except love you and care for you? I took care of you when your family didn’t, I took care of your medical bills because your family didn’t. And you weren’t even my husband, you were my boyfriend, and I was still able to take care of you. I put you first, and I put myself last. You made me do things that I didn’t want to do and you know very well what it was.

So was I “ew” to you when you were making love to me? When you said you loved me?
I didn’t think so.

4 Comments

  1. I’m sorry, sweetie. It sounded like a promising relationship. But it is how it is. I hope you stay strong and most importantly, don’t beat yourself up about what you could have done better.
    There’s also this guy on YouTube called Matthew Hussey. Have you heard? My friend recently shared his channel with me and he is like a love guru. He gives relationship advice for women and some of his videos are helpful.

    Even if you don’t like his advice, you can at least check him out because he is good looking and has British accent. 🙂 Hope you feel better.

    Like

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